In last week's "Corner," Wee Dan stepped up to the plate after Big Don broke his promise for January to give us more information about next week's "consecration" in the Swampland:
We had our first practice for Fr. Selway’s consecration last week. Fr. Cekada, reprising his role of twenty-five years ago, has been working very hard preparing the rubrics from our end. One of the fine seminarians will be serving as MC, and organizing the entire affair, a complicated and challenging ceremony to be sure, but truly one for the ages. Many of our faithful will be attending.There's more to "One Hand's" message than meets the eye. As we'll show, it's a last-ditch effort to appear relevant, to argue he has a purpose for existing and pocketing the laity's money once the Kid asserts his dominance from the top of the Tradistani pecking order.
After next Thursday's Bash in the Bog, all other "bishops" of the SW Ohio/B'ville cult — "One Hand," the Long-Island Jellyfish, the ailing Donster —will be utterly useless beyond their emptying chapels. "The Lowly Worm," the b.s. artist formerly known as Tradzilla, will have passed his sell-by date the moment the Kid wishes him (with fingers crossed behind his back?), "Ad multos annos!"* Big Don's being stoically closed-mouth about his approaching insignificance, but the Mitered Magpie of West Chester, true to his chattering nature, can't maintain a prudent silence. Pathetically, he's driven to put his thinly disguised anxieties right out on Front Street for TradWorld to ridicule.
In the futile struggle to keep the Gerties from writing him off, His Irrelevancy intimated he and Tony Baloney might have some material part to play on February 22, with Checkie busily "preparing the rubrics from our end." What a laugh! What "end"? The short end of the stick?
The Kid already has the ceremonial details from Big Don's "consecration" back in 2002. (They were probably based on copies of the Checkmeister's outline to begin with.) And why would the Cheeseball continue to prepare instructions so close to the date of the Big Show? All Dannie's doing here is trying (unsuccessfully) to make people believe he's somehow a major player in the sacrilegious pantomime destined to change the cult cabal forever.
From the vagueness of the "Corner's" first sentence, we infer that "One Hand" must not have been asked to be a co-consecrator. If he had been, we think he would've shot off his mouth about the supporting rôle in order to reassure the skeptical cultlings he still counts. Instead we get a murky reference to "our first practice."**
Who was practicing? Certainly Checkie wasn't practicing for MC, because Dannie tells us a so-called seminarian has been assigned the job of Master of Ceremonies. Furthermore, the "seminarian" is "organizing the entire affair," so it looks as though Bonehead Tone's been shut out completely. Maybe Lurch, one of Junior's fanboys, was tossed a "mercy" part to play in order to maintain his loyalty to the soon-to-be Numero Uno of Tradistan.
Amid all this angst and transparent face-saving, His Obsolescency couldn't help a little unintentional humor when he reported, "Many of our faithful will be attending [Joey's 'consecration']." That's a hoot! For the past year, the Wee One's been trying everything — including frivolous, illicit dispensations from the Friday abstinence — to herd balking Gerties into the pest-infested cult center for his sideshows. Yet for the Kid's extravaganza, the cult cattle are eager to hoof it about a thousand miles down to Florida to attend the Blast in the Morass.
Think of all that travel and lodging money Dispensin' Dan will never see in the collection basket, not to mention the cash tribute his dirty Gerties'll render to the newly crowned Grand High Panjandrum of Sedelandia. $GG's collection for February 4 was an anemic $3,764, the second collection totaled a miserly $530, and the week before netted a close-fisted $3,836. Have the skinflint cultlings been hoarding their dollars at Dannie's expense? His Indigency must have turned 50 shades of green with envy, but there's nothing he can do except put on a happy face and pretend he approves. After all, he can't afford to alienate the youthful and moneyed capo di tutti capi.
Faking benign approval won't help, either with the Boy "Bishop" or with the cultlings. No crumbs will come Dirtbag Dan's way when the Kid completely takes over pesthouse "ordinations." Likewise, we don't expect Wee Dan will be running My-Way Carlito's "priests'" retreats in the Evergreen State. Aware of "One Hand's" loss of relevancy, Gerties will look to Junior as the champion of their weird sectarian aspirations,*** leaving the Bantam "Bishop (?)," now reduced to a grinning id bereft of resources and voice, with nothing to do other than once a year "consecrating" doubtful oils that no one but his own dubious "clergy" need or will use.
* That is, IF the over-the-top Display near the Bay takes place.
** But the jury's still out on that question. As we've written, whether or not "One-Hand Dan" co-consecrates will depend upon how eager the élite are to protect the integrity of the Clone's "episcopate." True, Dannie could co-consecrate along with the Jellyfish, who would offset the stain of dubiety, but do the real chiefs of B'ville want to associate the Kid with the embattled troublemaker who exposed them to so much grief as a result of the catastrophic 2009 $GG $CHOOL $CANDAL?
*** They'll be disappointed, for we predict the Florida cult will soon retreat into itself. The Boy "Bishop" prudently won't write a thing. The only "missions" he'll undertake are those that generate surplus cash for the boggy cult HQ. From now on, a low profile is necessary to divert Trad Nation's alarmed interest in all that's been going on in the fetid swamp.